One Year

So I've been a little busy over the last year and have let my new blogging hobby fall to the side.  A lot has happened since my previous post.  I just saw that I have a draft of my birth story I was writing but never finished it so it was never posted.  I think I will keep that one as a draft for now unless someone REALLY wants to know my birth story.  Anywho, I had a beautiful baby boy who will be 1 year old in just a few weeks!  The time has FLOWN by but I am glad that I've been able to be with Benjamin through his developments.  I lost my job while on maternity leave and we saw that as a sign that I should stay home with the baby and finish school.  I'll give a little recap of the past year to get you up to speed.  Benjamin was born on August 16th, 2012 at 12:40am weighing 7 lbs and 7 ozs and was 21" long.  He was perfect!  I decided to try breastfeeding him and it went well at first.  I had some issues and resorted to using a nipple shield to nurse and after failed attempts of trying to wean him from the shield, we are still using it today, 11 1/2 months later.  I was embarrassed about having to use it at first because I thought that I wasn't actually "breastfeeding" but he still received my milk so what's the big
deal if I used a nipple shield or not?!?!?! We started him on solids (oatmeal) when he was around 4 months old since he has good head control.  He took to solids really well and continues to eat like a champ.  Which is good in some ways but it really cut into breastfeeding quite a bit.  Benjamin has consistently been ahead of meeting his milestones.  He started teething around 2 1/2 - 3 months and got his first two teeth at 4 1/2 months.  Then he started teething some more and got two more teeth and then it happened again!  He has 6 teeth now and I believe is working on getting some more.  Needless to say, I haven't been getting much sleep the past year as he seems to be pretty sensitive to teething, developmental milestones, and growth spurts!  He started sitting up on his own around 4 months I believe.  Crawling at 6 months, cruising at 8 months and took his first steps at 10 months!  Looking back, the first 6 months were really hard for me.  I imagined that everything would be wonderful and easy and I would be overjoyed with happiness but IT WAS NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL.  I didn't feel like Benjamin knew I was his mother since he seemed to take to Bill a lot better then me.  I wasn't his "go-to" person for comfort.  He didn't want to cuddle, didn't want to nurse, and I questioned myself several times on whether or not this was normal or if I was "different" for not automatically feeling happy about my baby.  I knew I loved him but didn't feel like I was "in love" with him the way I "should have been".  It was hard emotionally.  What was worse was that I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to about these things.  Of course I talked to Bill but since he's not a mother, it's a little difficult for him to relate.  He did the best he could but what I needed was another mother.  On the other side, I was also scared to talk to anyone about how I was feeling because I thought I was a bad mother of having these negative feelings.  But around 6 or 7 months, Benjamin began being more interactive and was able to show more affection and started to give me signs that he knew who I was and that he loved me.  Now at 11 1/2 months, you can usually find him holding my pants leg and following me around the apartment, even in the bathroom.  I'm still not sure if he loved me all along and I just didn't see the signs or if I had to "earn" his love after a traumatic delivery but whatever the reason, at 11 1/2 months I  know he loves me and I'm his #1 gal :)  We are gearing up to celebrate his first birthday at the park where he'll have cake for the first time!  Hopefully he likes my carrot cake!  Til next time....    

Beach and Friends!

Good morning and happy Tuesday!  It's been a while since my last post so I have some catching up to do!  So far, everything is looking good for baby and me.  My chances of having the birthing experience I want is steadily increasing.  Baby is moving around more and learning out to stretch..... he's a pretty strong dude already.  I can't wait to meet him.  We have about 7 weeks left.  Sunday was Father's Day!  I was excited to celebrate this with Bill.  We did have to go to a breastfeeding class though b/c that was the only time everyone was available.  It was awesome that he went and didn't complain about it.  He really is a pretty awesome person.  We had our bumps we had to cross in the beginning of the pregnancy but we're past them now and am moving forward.  We're supposed to go to the beach this weekend for the day.  It's probably going to be extremely hot but we're going to try and make it anyways.  I didn't get to go to the beach last year.  So, my serious topic for today is friends.  All of my close friends live in different states, so it's not that easy to get to see them and hang out.  The friends I have here, are usually too busy to hang out.  I try to see when they're free but they either don't respond or are just not available.  So, for how long should this go on before I just stop trying? How hard do I push to keep people around that don't make time to hang out?!  I understand I have a hard time creating and maintaining friendships but I am trying to work on that and most of my friends know that about me anyways.  But it's just odd that when I do try and hang out, no one responds!  Is it me? Or should I just blame them? Is there something else I can do?

Big Babies and Relationships

Happy Monday!  I hope everyone had a great weekend.  I spent most of mine cleaning and moving!  I think I may have outdone myself yesterday with all the moving b/c my body is pretty sore today.  Hopefully I didn't strain my baby.... I had a doctor's appt last week where I had the Glucose Challenge Test.  I was a little worried about it but everything turned out fine and I don't have gestational diabetes!! No shots for me!  I also found out that I am measuring a few centimeters ahead of schedule.  They say your tummy measurements closely relates to your pregnancy week.  I was at 28 weeks and I measured 31 centimeters.  The midwife said that the myth is truth, give or take 2 cm, so I'm not that far off.  I wonder if this will affect my due date? Everyday I learn something new about my relationship with Bill.  I'm trying to find that consistent balance of when to get angry, when to let things go, when to cry, when to laugh, etc.... and it's difficult.  I always thought that all the hooplah everyone talked about in reference to getting married was because they either weren't trying hard enough or just didn't care.  I thought that I would be different b/c I care enough to work on the relationship.  But ya know what.... a relationship isn't one sided.  You have to deal with another personality.  One that grew up in a different environment, different culture, different way of doing things, with different perspectives.  Sometimes one will care more then the other.  Sometimes we forget all the promises we made b/c there's so many you have to make during the course of your relationship.  How can you tell when you're making too many compromises or not enough? Being in a marriage is no joke!  I'm a very cautious person.  I want to know that I am about to get hurt before I get hurt.  I want to know what's going on before it happens.  I take life seriously and everything is a big deal.  Bill, on the other hand, dives head first into everything.  He's all about the here and now.  So where do you find that healthy balance???

Elegance and Bunnies

Hello again!  So we are at 27 weeks today!  Only 13 more to go :)  Bill and I are getting things done in preparation for the little one.  We signed the lease, bought a couch, will pick out paint colors this weekend and plan on having the carpets cleaned again.  That might all sound boring to you all but I find it exciting!  I'm somewhat of an old soul ....Pregnancy is going awesome so far.  I must admit I've had it pretty easy.  I haven't really been sick, just tired at times. I've been better about trying to keep active.  Hopefully it will make for a fairly easy (I use that term loosely) delivery.  So I've been watching this new show called The Playboy Club.  Caroline, the Mother Bunny, is very elegant and beautiful.  She has a presence that commands everyone's attention.  She is a bit insecure which is odd but kind of reassuring to me to know that a woman of that caliber can still be insecure but I guess we all are to some degree.  When I was watching Mad Men, I was drawn to Joan, the red-headed secretary.  She walked around with confidence that I envy soooooo much.  Anyways, I would absolutely love to have the confidence and elegance as these two ladies, BUT I am torn between someone who I envy and who I truely am.  I think of myself as pretty plain.  I don't wear a lot of makeup and I don't really do much (ok, I don't do anything!) with my hair.  I don't get regular manicures, pedicures, facials, or any of the other womanly grooming habits.  I swear, burp, make funny faces, and yes, I am admitting to the world, sometimes (well more then sometimes)...... I fart.  So the thought of ever being "elegant" doesn't really seem that fesible.  But yet, I still envy these woman and want to be like them.  So, what's a girl to do???????

Feelings, Protein, and TV Shows

Hello again.  I hope you all are having a pretty awesome week!  The past couple of days for me haven't been a total picnic.  I've been kinda down and I'm not really sure why or where/how it started.  Maybe it's mood swings? Maybe it's my diet and exercise? Maybe it's because I haven't had my daily dose of sweet tea??   The possibilities are endless... I've had swollen hands and feet on and off over the past week and I noticed last night that my ankles are starting to swell too.  I've been trying to watch my salt intake but they still swell.  I haven't exercised like I want to or should.  We're either busy running around doing classes or I'm just too tired to make the effort.  I've tried to wake up in the morning but that's nearly impossible.  I used to be able to jump out of bed at the first alarm and now I'm on snooze 3 or 4.  We did finally sign a lease last night which just alleviated a lot of pressure on our living situation.  We have the next month to get packed, condense furniture and sell what we can.  Another thing that's been on my mind the last couple of weeks is how the first few months are going to be with the baby.  I am feeling very protective of the baby and this insane controlling urge over him.  I know that I'm not going to be the perfect mother and I'm going to make mistakes and I'm not going to know what to do all the time but I feel like that's how I'm going to learn to take care of him.  I fear that everyone is going to come in, take care of him, and then I won't know how to when they leave.  Maybe it's a fear of being detached from the baby or that he's going to love someone else more then me.  That's the scariest feeling in the world.  Does every mother go through this? Is this a childish feeling to have? Am I crazy?? I'm afraid of going back to work and leaving the baby for someone else to raise.  If the baby sees this other person for 9 hours a day and me for less then that, how will he know who his parents are? I feel like my whole way of thinking has shifted and my life is changing so fast.  This is turning out to be a very depressing entry... let's talk about something fun!  We have our birth class tonight.  We're supposed to talk about nutrition and how good nutrition is vital to a healthy delivery.  I have to write my diet and protein intake over 3 days.  Today is my third and my food lists are really long and I have no problem eating enough protein.  That's probably why this baby is growing so fast!  Bill and I are planning on going to NY over Memorial day weekend so I'm pretty excited about that too.  I was trying to look up things to do while we're there but I don't think Bill is going to want to see Central Perk or anywhere Carrier, Samantha, Charlotte, or Miranda hung out, or shopped, or had lunch ...... :)

Birth Center, Worries, and Clothes

Happy Friday !  I'm so glad the weekend is finally here.  This has been quite an eventful week!  We had our first BirthCare Center appt on Wednesday and our first Bradley Method Class that evening.  I was nervous about the appt with the Center because I was comtemplating whether or not it was the best decision to switch care providers this far in the pregnancy.  I am 25 weeks as of Thursday so only 15 more weeks to go! Things are starting to get more real and it's making me nervous.  Where are we going to live? Will we like the Birth Center? What kind of delivery will I have? Who will be there at the time of the delivery? Will our parents be helpful or add unnecessary stress? Will our friends be present when we get back home to help out around the house? How will I be as a mother? That's just the first few that came to my mind.  There's so many more questions swirling around.  There's also the gestational diabetes test I have to take in May so I'm a little concerned about whether or not I have it.  The last 2 days have not been much fun in the land of pregnancy.  I'm not quite certain where the pain is coming from but it's dull and not strong enough to cause concern.  I just read about round ligament pain so maybe it's that.  Bill and I are going apt hunting this weekend which is both exciting and tiresome at the same time.  We're also supposed to go to Leesburg if all goes well.  Bill thinks I'm a shopaholic which I found to be pretty offensive!  If you breakdown my closet into categories by clothing type (work-hot weather, work-cold weather, work-warm weather, going out-hot weather, going out-cold weather, going out-warm weather, casual-hot weather, casual-cold weather, casual-warm weather), there's really not that much there so I'm not sure where he's getting this opinion from..   

Rant and a Movie

Good morning !  Today is Monday and I am soooo tired.  I am 24 1/2 weeks along in my pregnancy and have my first doctors appt with the Birthcare Center on Wednesday.  From the beginning, I've been going to a regular OB/GYN but since I have a specific birthplan that I want to experience I figured it might be best to switch offices.  Since I've been pregnant, both Bill and I have researched birthing options and methods and are not completely comfortable with being in a hospital for delivery.  We want to have an unmedicated, natural bith.  I'm sure you're shaking your head in doubt at my decision because everyone else has too when I tell them my plan.  But the thing everyone fails to realize is that I am the one having this baby, not them.  Everyone has their own beliefs and opinions on delivery and I have my own.  I don't talk down to their decisions so I'm not sure why people want to talk down to mine.  It's very disheartening to express how excited I am about my delivery method of choice, only to have someone share their negative thoughts about it.  I do believe that there is a right of passage when it comes to motherhood and I want to experience every ounce of it.  I understand it's going to be painful and I am not opposed to interventions if there are complications with the child.  My intentions are not to be selfish but I am doing this for personal reasons.  Women have been doing this for many many years so who's to say that I am not capable of the same thing?!  Enough ranting about that ( I just needed to vent a little).  Bill and I went to see Think Like a Man this weekend.  We finally made it into the theatre on Sunday after trying to catch sold out shows on Friday and Saturday.  It was a pretty good movie about the "rules" of men and women.  I must admit, I did read the book when it came out and did try to apply the philosophy's Steve Harvey talked about during the beginning of mine and Bill's relationship. They must have worked b/c I got him to marry me!  Well, that and getting pregnant kinda helped things along.....